Intensified

I’m in pain. My toe has flared up again and every step is making me acutely aware of the fact that the joint is wrong. I’ve finally bought a pair of new sneakers that will replace my old Nike Air Max that I’ve had since 2014, and they’ve got special soles for my particular problem. I’m thinking the pain’s lingering from the past few days when I’ve walked more than usual in my shitty old shoes.

Hopefully these shiny new ones will lessen my discomfort, at least a bit. I am going to the doctor in about 2 weeks, and I am going to ask them to take a look at my foot. Sometimes I forget that there’s something wrong with it, whereas other times it flares up, and I think it’s doing that now.

The total of 30 minutes I walk every day seem to be too much for my toe, and I sincerely hope that the doctor can do something that isn’t just prescribing painkillers I can’t take. I have recently started walking funny on my bad foot because of the pain and my joint. The foot makes a thunk sound when it hits the ground and that same leg is also affected; I feel like I’m walking on stilts!

Even when I only walk short distances, like between my office desk and the coffee machine, my left side acts up. Is this what getting older feels like? This must be it. I’m still young, of course, just not a teenager anymore. What my body forgave 10 years ago is no longer overlooked.
Today’s finally the day, we’re going camping! I have been looking forward to this event for over a month and I am so glad to be spending some time with my dear friends. We packed all of our camping gear last night, and we went to the store to get some last minute things this morning.

Our original plan was to go to a camp site in the other side of the city, but the trains are kind of fucked and we have to get back on time for a meeting tomorrow. So we have decided to take another train just 1 stop and walk around until we find a good spot to put our stuff down and pitch our tents.

We all meet at the station and we’re all really hyped up for the weekend. We decide on a direction and start walking. My foot hurts, but I’ve taken an ibuprofen before leaving to combat some of the pain. It’s a burning sensation with every step. As usual. The walk takes about 20 minutes from the station until we find the place to settle down. It’s perfect! We start our tasks, setting up the tents and I assign myself the duty of making coffee for the people.

As a group made up of 100 percent autistics, we all love seeing stuff lined up neatly, so we place the food related items on the stoney part next to the main camp area, and the general quick-access snacks on the red-and-white checkered picnic blanket in the middle between the two tents surrounding it. After the coffee is done, we all sit down in close proximity to one another and the ones who smoke light up cigarettes.

The sun is bright above us in the cloud-free sky, and the temperature is perfect. It’s very peaceful to be out here. We talk shit for a while and enjoy each other’s company. I bring my book from a duffle bag and move to a spot directly in the sun, lapping it up like a cat. I’ve finally gotten into the book I’m reading and the pages quickly turn. After a while I switch to writing and I chronicle the day so far to make sure I don’t forget any of the details later.

Stick gathering for the barbecue we conveniently find commences, and we place big sticks at the bottom and smaller ones on top. We feel like wilderness strategists. A few of us go swimming, but I forgot my bathing suit at home so I stay behind. I’m generally not one for swimming in lakes anyway so this is just as well. I eat some more snacks, choosing ice cream flavored chocolate over apples. My sweet tooth always wins, this I learned a long time ago.
At work, they teach me how to register orders in the system. I learn all about spheres, diameter, A and B measurements, base,.. It’s exciting to learn something new, and after a few hours of being assisted, I get the hang of it and start doing it on my own. It’s much slower work than printing, which makes time pass quicker. Getting to see the other end of the process is really interesting for me, as I now fill out the entails I’ve previously kept track of while being at the printing end of it all.

I ask questions if I feel like there’s something I don’t understand, or if I’m just curious. The others are happy that I’m asking.
Once again, I am in pain. But this time it’s more widespread and practically every joint in my body is screaming at me. I wake up with pain in my shoulders, as usual, as well as in my right wrist. I’ve taken over the counter pain medication, but it doesn’t help much. The pain is generally at a 4, but when it’s everywhere it takes its toll.

I’ve been able to push my GP appointment to the 20th, but that’s still 2 weeks away. And who knows how long I’ll have to wait if they want to refer me somewhere else? The care guarantee states that the wait can’t be longer than 3 months, but that’s still a really long time to me.

This past week, my symptoms have gotten worse, which is why I think I’m noticing it more. I’m at work and my body is telling me to stop even though I’m not rushing. I go back to printing since the package load is unusually heavy, and I notice that even just the simple motion of closing the little bags hurts my wrists. This is not normal.

I also notice myself being so in the pain that I almost miss putting labels on some of the bags, which I’d never miss usually. The hours until lunch go by so incredibly slow. The tasks take much longer than they usually do, and I keep going to the bathroom because somehow it feels better being in pain alone rather than out where my coworkers can see me. Focusing is hard when even lifting my coffee cup causes strain all the way from my wrist up to my shoulder joint. Thank god ‘ve got a day off tomorrow.

On the way home I pick up Naproxen pills that are specifically for joint and muscle pain. The max dosage is 2 per day, so I start with 1. Most of my body feels the same, but at least the headache I’ve had brewing during the day lessens.

I try to do more research on my phone, having a two-hand grip and leaning it against my stomach to put as little strain on my wrists as possible. During the last week I’ve read countless papers, medical website articles and Instagram captions. It’s all the same information and I’m both thankful for how unanimous it is and frustrated that there’s nothing more for me to uncover. I’ve got a book on living with hypermobility on the way, at least.

I load the dishwasher, and to my dismay it hurts picking up a plate.