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So. I went back to the eating disorder clinic today after having an initial meeting last week, and they seem quite conflicted when it comes to how to treat me. They seem to be pushing me "learning more about my autism and patterns" to somehow nudge me in the right direction, possibly along with eating … Continue reading 20

Don’t You Ever Grow Up

When I was a kid, I thought that being grown up meant that you somehow had the answers to everything as if by magic, almost; that there was some mystical age you'd reach and you'd know exactly what needed to be done or said in every situation. Oh how I wish that were true. But … Continue reading Don’t You Ever Grow Up

“Night Train”: a Poem

Spent my time trying to be what you wantedShifting into something you'd want to seeAll these little pieces and stories of others, so much betterBut I just wanted to leave Now you're worlds away, and it's been five yearsBut I can't let go of all these fearsYour shadow in all these placesYours in a million … Continue reading “Night Train”: a Poem

Dissociating Through Life

I have quite a big problem with dissociation in my daily life. As soon as things get stressful or feel like they might potentially get difficult, it’s like my brain catapults me out of my body, and I land somewhere to the side, somewhere I can’t really form coherent thoughts or think that well at … Continue reading Dissociating Through Life

Holiday Blues

I always feel really sad during the holidays, without fail. It's both a longing for times passed when I was a kid and didn't have the same cynical view of my family stirred up by the same anxiety, as well as a loss, because I know I will never get that part of myself back. … Continue reading Holiday Blues

Autism versus OCD

I am so afraid if the future and things changing that I'd rather stay stuck in purgatory than move on from this. I'm both excited for therapy to start and really really scared that I will have to actively fight against the obsessions and the compulsions. Since I've been counting and ruminating and obsessing since … Continue reading Autism versus OCD

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It's nearing Christmas. For many years I've celebrated it with my parents, aunt and my grandma. I haven't really reflected on why I've always felt a bit uncomfortable at our family gatherings with them even though I love them very much. Until now.When I was a kid I used to just smile, nod and mask … Continue reading It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year